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Christians should not have to walk alone when dealing with dementia
Church in the Community - Media Release in the Herald: 9th October 2023
Source: TCN / Gail Charalambous
Date Added: 2023-10-09
Category: General News, TCN News, Issues - General,
Date Added: 2023-10-09
Category: General News, TCN News, Issues - General,
October is mental health month, with tomorrow (October 10) being World Mental Health Day.
On September 21 we marked world Alzheimer’s Day.
Living with the devastating effects of dementia/Alzheimer’s can and will challenge faith.
Both the person suffering from the condition and those caring for them experience loneliness, fear and sadness.
They can feel abandoned by God and the church community, when the same conversation is repeated day after day.
“Tell my dear, do I know you?”
Yes, you do, I am your daughter”
“Are you?” said the mother “Gosh! I am so lucky to have such a kind daughter”.
A poignant message of the devastating effects of Alzheimer’s/Dementia experienced by families who are challenged on a daily basis.
Overnight, the dynamics within families change.
There is a complete reversal of roles. The parent who once cared for you, who nurtured you, provided shelter, food, solace and love has to be taken care of by you.
It is very challenging and frightening to witness your role model lose their sense of dignity, memory and purpose as they struggle to remember who they are, where they live and even who they live with, the names of their spouse and/ or siblings and children.
It comes as a huge shock as the behaviour is so alarming.
There are endless questions, aggression and demands, as well as fear, and a sense of loss and loneliness.
With the suffering comes grief.
Grieving for the loss of what once was and is now replaced with something else and someone so unrecognizable.
I asked a very good friend of mine to share her thoughts on living with a parent who is living with dementia:
In her words:
“What can I tell you about someone living with dementia?
“I believe that I am uncaring and hard because I often do not feel sympathetic towards my mother.
“I was struggling to cope with demands of living with her, so I joined a support group, and I was amazed to discover that I was not alone in how I feel and my emotions, for example a lack of sympathy towards my mother.
“Truth be told. We are not really unsympathetic. We are just protecting ourselves.
“It is not easy everyone dishes out advice, telling us to be patient, to do this and do that and the next thing, just go with the flow.
“However, at the end of the day, we are so ‘gatvol’ of repeating ourselves The same thing over and over again, and then to add insult to injury, we are accused of telling lies.
“My frustration levels are so high due to my mother’s paranoia and accusations of lying to her.
“While I fully understand that they are not able to take any responsibility for their actions, it is sometimes hard to believe.
“At times my mother is as sweet as cherry pie and I have trouble making the rest of my family understand the difficulties that I face. They all feel more sympathy for my mother.
“I have to take medication to deal with this.
“I have never really had an aggressive mother; I am so sure that she is overdosing on her medication as she will not allow me to assist her in taking the correct dosage.
“She then becomes angry and asks me to leave.
“I probably sound selfish, but I am struggling with this.
“For instance, the other day, my mother decided that she was Afrikaans speaking.
“For a few days she spoke Afrikaans.
“The only thing that keeps me sane is the support I get from very few of my friends. I feel such sympathy for others in a similar situation”.
My friend’s story and challenges are not unique.
Several years ago, I worked as a carer in the UK.
The training provided was excellent, intense and thorough, with a strong emphasis on caring for clients living with dementia/Alzheimer’s.
The focus of care is creating a routine that creates a sense of security and safety and on practising patience.
“You haven’t given me breakfast, lunch or supper and I am starving!”
This kind of interaction happens throughout the day, the only change with be “lunch and supper”.
My default “button” so to speak, was to remain calm, develop a sense of humour, by encouraging my client to play scrabble or a card game, go on short walks and to stick to a routine.
In other words, just learn to create a peaceful and stable environment.
This is easier said than done.
It is trying, exhausting (physically and mentally), and dangerous as some carers are physically abused.
As a church community we should be encouraging practical support to families in this situation by offering to relief in the form of “parent” sitting in order for the family to be able to go shopping or enjoy an outing.
Sometimes all we have to do is just listen and provide a safe space in which vent.
In other words, we should be walking alongside folk.
Maybe the focus of our prayers should be seeking to understand the illness, asking for courage and discernment to meet the challenges presented, with calm and patience, rather than to plead and ask for healing.
Maybe we should be “doing church and worship” differently. Instead of focusing on buildings, budgets, meetings and plans, we should focus on needs and suffering of the people in our congregation and community.
We should be showing love and empathy, much like the early church.
Gail Charalambous:
A person who cares about other people.
On September 21 we marked world Alzheimer’s Day.
Living with the devastating effects of dementia/Alzheimer’s can and will challenge faith.
Both the person suffering from the condition and those caring for them experience loneliness, fear and sadness.
They can feel abandoned by God and the church community, when the same conversation is repeated day after day.
“Tell my dear, do I know you?”
Yes, you do, I am your daughter”
“Are you?” said the mother “Gosh! I am so lucky to have such a kind daughter”.
A poignant message of the devastating effects of Alzheimer’s/Dementia experienced by families who are challenged on a daily basis.
Overnight, the dynamics within families change.
There is a complete reversal of roles. The parent who once cared for you, who nurtured you, provided shelter, food, solace and love has to be taken care of by you.
It is very challenging and frightening to witness your role model lose their sense of dignity, memory and purpose as they struggle to remember who they are, where they live and even who they live with, the names of their spouse and/ or siblings and children.
It comes as a huge shock as the behaviour is so alarming.
There are endless questions, aggression and demands, as well as fear, and a sense of loss and loneliness.
With the suffering comes grief.
Grieving for the loss of what once was and is now replaced with something else and someone so unrecognizable.
I asked a very good friend of mine to share her thoughts on living with a parent who is living with dementia:
In her words:
“What can I tell you about someone living with dementia?
“I believe that I am uncaring and hard because I often do not feel sympathetic towards my mother.
“I was struggling to cope with demands of living with her, so I joined a support group, and I was amazed to discover that I was not alone in how I feel and my emotions, for example a lack of sympathy towards my mother.
“Truth be told. We are not really unsympathetic. We are just protecting ourselves.
“It is not easy everyone dishes out advice, telling us to be patient, to do this and do that and the next thing, just go with the flow.
“However, at the end of the day, we are so ‘gatvol’ of repeating ourselves The same thing over and over again, and then to add insult to injury, we are accused of telling lies.
“My frustration levels are so high due to my mother’s paranoia and accusations of lying to her.
“While I fully understand that they are not able to take any responsibility for their actions, it is sometimes hard to believe.
“At times my mother is as sweet as cherry pie and I have trouble making the rest of my family understand the difficulties that I face. They all feel more sympathy for my mother.
“I have to take medication to deal with this.
“I have never really had an aggressive mother; I am so sure that she is overdosing on her medication as she will not allow me to assist her in taking the correct dosage.
“She then becomes angry and asks me to leave.
“I probably sound selfish, but I am struggling with this.
“For instance, the other day, my mother decided that she was Afrikaans speaking.
“For a few days she spoke Afrikaans.
“The only thing that keeps me sane is the support I get from very few of my friends. I feel such sympathy for others in a similar situation”.
My friend’s story and challenges are not unique.
Several years ago, I worked as a carer in the UK.
The training provided was excellent, intense and thorough, with a strong emphasis on caring for clients living with dementia/Alzheimer’s.
The focus of care is creating a routine that creates a sense of security and safety and on practising patience.
“You haven’t given me breakfast, lunch or supper and I am starving!”
This kind of interaction happens throughout the day, the only change with be “lunch and supper”.
My default “button” so to speak, was to remain calm, develop a sense of humour, by encouraging my client to play scrabble or a card game, go on short walks and to stick to a routine.
In other words, just learn to create a peaceful and stable environment.
This is easier said than done.
It is trying, exhausting (physically and mentally), and dangerous as some carers are physically abused.
As a church community we should be encouraging practical support to families in this situation by offering to relief in the form of “parent” sitting in order for the family to be able to go shopping or enjoy an outing.
Sometimes all we have to do is just listen and provide a safe space in which vent.
In other words, we should be walking alongside folk.
Maybe the focus of our prayers should be seeking to understand the illness, asking for courage and discernment to meet the challenges presented, with calm and patience, rather than to plead and ask for healing.
Maybe we should be “doing church and worship” differently. Instead of focusing on buildings, budgets, meetings and plans, we should focus on needs and suffering of the people in our congregation and community.
We should be showing love and empathy, much like the early church.
Gail Charalambous:
A person who cares about other people.
Source: TCN / Gail Charalambous
Date Added: 2023-10-09
Category: General News, TCN News, Issues - General,
Back to News IndexDate Added: 2023-10-09
Category: General News, TCN News, Issues - General,
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